“The interval between the decay of the old and the formation and establishment of the new constitutes a period of transition which must always necessarily be one of uncertainty, confusion, error, and wild and fierce fanaticism.”

-John C. Calhoun

                                                                             Somewhere in the Middle

 

Caught in Disorientation, or Cid for short. That’s where I’ve been, and that also has become a part of my identity. So, from this point on you can call me Cid. It’s very nice to meet you.

Today’s cultural climate is what spurs me to write, to share a voice, because after all, if other voices in the past hadn’t risen, would there have been the dramatic changes felt throughout this world? Past voices have given life to causes, cries against tyranny, shouts against prejudice, as well as to spark ideas that would lead to freedom and revolution. Clearly voices are powerful and they change things, whether for the good or the bad. Yet voices tend to lead to disagreement and lines to be drawn. Voices lead to disharmony of one idea against another, or one belief against another, and so division and feuds are birthed.

The latest and greatest of feuds on a national level has been the traditional marriage against marriage equality battle. It is a subject that is very hot and both sides are more than just trigger happy and when there is even the slightest mention of opinion regarding that topic, from either side, both sides fire away like an Italian mobster in a gangster movie. Polite and respectful conversation has been somewhat decimated when it comes to both sides, at least in the mainstream news, and it is instead become nothing but a yard full of little kids calling each other names, but never meeting in middle ground. Even the idea of finding the middle ground sounds appalling to both sides, because neither want to budge, and neither side, nor ideology, would dare compromise what they hold to be true. Even more cumbersome is how both sides want to change other sides; those not desiring equality in same sex marriage desire for the whole nation to follow their beliefs and bar couples from being wed. At the same time we have the other side, generally attributed to the liberal point of perspective, demanding those conservative of nature to get their hands off, get God out of the constitution and make them more tolerant. Both sides, in some shape or form, show intolerance whether they would like to admit that. Okay, so now the obvious groundwork of this piece has been laid. That should about end my…

But wait… there’s more!

I mentioned earlier that I was Caught in Disorientation and indeed, in much of my young life as well as now in my young adult life, I have seen myself caught, almost like a fish in a net that a fishermen leaves behind; I can function and live but in reality, I’m stuck in a place that’s keeps me out of place. Fish purgatory you could say. Yet this revolves around something much more interesting. You see, I grew up in a Christian home, but to my vast surprise, I started having homosexual inclinations around the age of puberty, whenever the quite confusing period in my life began. That was tough, living in a very conservative home with older than normal parents and having such erotic urges that went entirely counter to what my parents’ believed… to what I believed. Good heavens that made me start to question what I believed. More so, what did my beliefs say about me?

Well as every young boy would do, I hid the desires from my parents like a teen would hide a dirty magazine until I could hide no longer, and I came out to them. Yet it wasn’t the closet I came out of; closets have mothballs and monsters in them, and whether it’s me, or one of my homosexual friends, I think closet is a grievous term to use. Therefore, I came out of my secret. Right away dad, more than I would expect, probably because he had a gay nephew, was very loving and accepting of it, almost as if I told him I was getting married. My mom on the other hand, though concerned, started questioning her parenting skills as well as the environment I grew up in (which did have a role in my life) and started investigating ways to, I really don’t know how to say it, heal me? Deliver me? Rehabilitate me? Let’s go with heal. I started to feel more like a project than a person.

I’ll stop there when it comes to that part of the story. I mean, after all, if I am in some kind of fish purgatory, I will see if other readers get a bite and join in. Why? Well, here comes the major plot twist, que the dramatic soap opera music, or Hans Zimmer soundtrack for when a plot in the movie changes drastically…

I, at this young point in my life, have homosexual desires. I have decided to continue my walk with Christ and pursue my faith. I have made some mistakes in regards to my desires and hurt people. I have been hurt by other Christians as well as homosexuals. I will not embrace the homosexual lifestyle, though many would call me crazy for not doing so. At this point in my life, I want to be a part of creating a bridge where those from the LGBT community can be around Christians and have peace.

A peace where both sides can disagree, yet still go out to the movies with one another or even go out to eat with one another. I desire to arrive at the place where we, as two groups, can be around one another, and not even have the separate group mentality. To have us together without thinking the other person is going to try to force them to change their viewpoints or opinions. And even if it can be done here… even if the Christian, someone from the LGBT, someone who claims faith and embraces the LGBT lifestyle, or if there’s someone like me who has these desires and wants to be sacrificial and give up that lifestyle for God, may there be at least a meeting of people here in this work, within these words, within this hope, within this voice.

 

Sincerely,

Cid

 

(You can contact me at Cid.Sere@yahoo.com)