By: Vanessa Forbes
Gals, I hope you’re ready for more Sunday, Monday and Thursday nights of pigskin and gridiron! And if your SO is into College Football, girl that man needs a new hobby and a whooping. When is he gonna have time to take you shopping and hold all your bags?! (Major side-eye).
So, last week we talked about the rudimentary rules of the game. Basically, all those men in tights chase one man in tights up and down a field until they end up in the end zone and do some weird celebratory, testosterone-filled dance, and everybody loses their bleeping minds for a couple of minutes. Depending on which team you’re pulling for, you’re either happy as hell or cursing the football gods. Either way, there’s Quarterbacks that rule on and off the gridiron, in fashion and in finance. I’m always interested in the pre-game arrival outfits (ladies, these guys are clothes horses). After all, who doesn’t like to see a well-built, well-oiled machine in a damn good fitting suit? Let’s look at how their stats stack up for this season! (My picks are in no discernable order, and, depending on how much they screw up, these picks can change; these guys just stand out to me right now)
Cam…OMG, Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers): What can I say? As long as he stays upright, he’s one of the most exciting QBs on the gridiron…Ugh, he went out two weeks ago looking like somebody’s great aunt Jesse who forgot to pick up her cigs at the 7-11 and had been sipping a hot toddy from her English china teacup. Boy did you dress yoself’? Bless your heart! (I say teacup and not mug, because that boy spends some coin on his swag) Raise your hand if you think Cam needs to stop playin’ so much and either fire his stylist or hire one. That boy plays way too much. His swag, sauce and fashion thrill be on some next level stuff though. Cam’s 6-5, 245lb (196cm, 111kg), throws right and plays in the NFC South. Cam’s contract is $103M over 5 years with $60M guaranteed and an average salary of $20.7M. He’ll likely have a new contract in 2020. Listen, these are monopoly numbers…#ijs. He can afford to swag the way he does, that boy’s paid.
Next up, A-A-ron Rodgers (Green Bay): Aaron has some type of amazing ju-ju where he just gets hurt and pulls the most HAIL MARY come back wins of any QB ever. A-A-Ron is NFC North, he tends to throw right, and he’s my hubby’s favorite QB. During week one, man, I was on a face-time with my hubby during the game and he ran the gamut of emotions from shock, to horror, grief, and finally awe. Needless to say, that house is still Green Bay territory. I tortured him during our early relationship years by staunchly pulling for Dallas. (However, Jerry J killed that by siding with 45 of the protests, but that’s a whole other story, gals.) Whenever A-A-Ron, who’s 6-2, 225lb (188cm, 102kg), steps off the bus or on the red carpet, he seems to be tailored with ease. A-A-Ron signed a $134M contract with a 4-year extension guarantee of $100M… Damn, that bro is PAID!!!!
Tom Brady (New England Patriots): He’s the league’s golden boy. In the eyes of Roger Goodell, little Tommy Boy can do no wrong. If you’ve followed the somewhat unintelligible rambling of your SO and NE isn’t his team then you know Brady’s had some questionable wins. All, in fact, except the ones he lost to other teams, despite league interference, so there’s that. He’s considered number 1 in the league and, at the ripe ancient age of 41, is set to lead the Pats to another (cough, cough) win of the AFC East. He’s led the franchise to five Super Bowl wins. More importantly, he has Tom Ford on speed-dial and arrives at the games in very dapper style. Dude can wear a suit and cuts a swath figure coming off the team bus. I’m sure it helps that his wife is super model Gisele Bündchen. Right now, Tom is the winning-est QB in the league, but when he loses he’s also the whiniest. Brady is 6-4,225lb (193cm, 102kg) and throws right. The memes after he loses are the best; I troll every Pats fan I know with those. I hope I get to do that again in 2019, and I hope this dude finally retires and put this questionable legacy behind him. He’s also super costly: his base salary is $15M, with $5M in incentives and in 2016 he signed a 2-year $41M extension with $28M in guarantees…cha-ching!
Russell Wilson (Seattle Seahawks): Hey, despite having the most lackadaisical O-Line (offensive line), he managed to lead his team to a 9-7 record last season. He’s got some cajones and an uncanny ability to make a play when needed. Wilson is 5’ 11, 215lb (180cm, 97kg), throws right and plays in the NFC West. He has no problem taking fashion risks and cuts a swath figure off the bus and on the red carpet. Yo, he’s married to Cee-Cee (Ciara) so, we good. Did you see that Level-Up Instagram vid? Russ, I see you playing back-up dancer. Wilson has an $86.6M contract, 4 year $60M in guarantees and got a $31M signing bonus, those are some numbers to dance about.
There are some other notable mentions in the QB position like: Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints) 6-0, 209lb (183cm, 94kg), throws right. Barring any injuries, we should see some good passes thrown by Brees in the NFC South this season. He’s had a steady career high of 4K or more yards in 12 seasons. He’s a pretty legit force to recon with.
Carson Wentz (Philadelphia Eagles): He had an unbelievable MVP run against Brady last season before that eventful injury in week 14. Bummer, since he’s still not ready for return for the 1st few games of 2018. That means the Eagles will be under the guidance of the back-up QB Nick Foles. Wentz is 6-5, 237lb (196cm, 107kg), throws right and plays in NFC East. The Brees and Wentz contracts are equally mind blowing.
So yeah, these guys play Robin Hood on the gridiron, but they don’t just look good in tights. They stack some pretty impressive stats as some of the top dogs to watch this season and get paid ridiculously well to provide us with sports and entertainment. I’m pretty sure I’ve left some major players out, but yo, we only really watch for the buns of steel, right ladies?
Hey, oooh not to get side-tracked but, mad props and shout out to Kaep who is still team-less, but has got endorsements up the wazoo. “Calling a dream crazy is not an insult,” Kaepernick says in the Nike spot. “It’s a compliment.” Now that’s an impressive off-the-field stat I can get behind. Nike stock rose 31% since the commercial was aired during the first NFL game of the season, and the irony in this has me chortling. Nike hasn’t seen those kinds of sales in YEARSSSS!!!!!! Nike signed their new 10-year deal with the NFL for uniforms and then capitalized on the backend with consumers for buying power by releasing the Kaep commercial…as a former financier I had to hahahahaha. Just freakkin’ do it….swoosh, swoosh!!!
So, ladies, don’t forget stock up on Wings-N-Things, because food is an important part of the football ritual, and don’t forget the drinks! This week I’d like to recommend Bare Foot Wines as an affordable vintage, cause yo, I’m not wasting my top shelf stuff on pigskin, gridiron, screaming, pleading, yelling, cursing and praying to the football gods. Save the primo stuff for, like, when you have dinner in that great dress he agrees to buy you while he’s distracted by football. If you want to make it interesting, invite your single friends over for those guys who’re single. It’s a great way to have an enjoyable mixer for singles and coupled-up gangs. Put on your throwback jersey and enjoy. Saludi chicas and see you next week, same time, same space!